Date:          December 2003
Title:         Lost in a Crowd
Author:        Jeroen Verbeek, Copyright (C) 2003. All rights reserved.

Summary:       To overcome my fear for open spaces, I gathered my courage 
               to leave my house.

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Lost in a Crowd


My fear for open spaces is a long story, which only a couple of people 
know. It severely affected my day-to-day life. Finally, I found the time to 
put it all into words. 
     First of all you have to understand the anxiety I usually experience. 
It's about the fact I'm limited as to where I go. Homebound, but still free 
to walk about the entire house.
     My house is my `safe area`, and I can't go out of it without the help 
of a very trusted person. Even mundane things such as a simple walk in the 
backyard or a visit to the grocery shop (only a block away) can cause a 
serious panic attack. (The most extreme form of this phenomenon called 
`agoraphobia` would have one in a single chair in a single room and never 
leaving.)
     Two weeks ago my therapist said it was time to break the vicious cycle 
and to overcome my fear. I had to gradually face the agoraphobia monster 
that I was so terribly afraid of. It would take real courage, but it was 
the only way to eliminate the anxious thinking in my crazy mixed up head. 
So I decided to give it a try.

It was a beautiful spring day, I thought, as I looked out the window, and 
told myself that every long journey started with a first step. But it was 
just too unreal, and to tell you the truth, I had to tell my negative mind 
again and again to pay no attention to such negative thoughts. Half an hour 
later, I reluctantly closed the door behind me as I left my house. Today 
was my big day.
     I passed some gang kids who where known troublemakers, but I didn't 
make eye contact. Then I passed a little girl, pulling a wheeled toy animal 
on a string. A small smile played around my lips. To be honest, for some 
reason this moving sight had quite a soothing effect on me. It felt like a 
ton of bricks had been taken of my shoulders, and I wondered, where is 
everyone? For a moment I felt I'd done something truly extraordinary and 
memorable with my day. Celebrating this achievement I continued my way into 
the depths of the city.
     Five minutes later I ended up at the entrance of a big cinderblock 
building. I felt a short burst of hesitation about the idea. But it was 
time to carefully introduce myself to more people, I told myself. And 
although I knew that one wrong step could ruin my whole day, I pushed 
through the revolving doors and stepped into the hustle and bustle of the 
shopping centre.
     Immediately something felt wrong as the mass of initially faceless 
people approached. Where the hell am I and how did I get here? Suddenly I 
felt pursued by something or someone. I could feel the people's desire wash 
over me as I forced myself to keep moving forward through the sea of hands. 
Feeling threatened by all the people milling around, darker and stranger, 
they fueled my worst fears. I was starting to panic. Beads of sweat ran 
down my forehead and images of a crowd crushing people to death tortured my 
brain.
     I started to walk faster. The faster I walked I figured, the faster 
I'd be able to reach the end of the corridor. However, the pressure of the 
crowd actually moved me sideways and towards the center of the hallway. My 
mind raced. I thought, My God! What's happening to me? The stampede of 
footsteps was bigger than me, bigger than my perception was, and it was the 
most horrifying thing I had ever experienced. Then I heard someone behind 
me; it was a large man with his feet chained to the floor by his ankles. He 
was singing a song with my name in it. I was clearly his prey and his 
laughter was clear and unforced. His eyes flashed, and he gazed like a 
hungry wolf. As I looked at his face for mercy, he opened his mouth and a 
burst of flames came out. A moment later he exploded like popping popcorn 
to human size, creating a really horrible picture. Terrified to the point 
of insanity my vision blacked out. And swallowed by the darkness I lost my 
feet.

I woke up early in the morning. Since my dream seemed like reality, I got 
up from my bed, still mostly asleep, and headed for the bathroom to take a 
glass of water. Still confused, I rubbed my forehead with one hand and my 
back with the other. After a quick stare in the mirror (not good, I looked 
like some kind of drowned), I filled a glass of water, which I drank down 
greedily. Then I realized that I almost completely lost reality in my 
sleep. It was really weird. It would certainly take a couple of days to 
recover from the stress of that exploratory expedition. I tried to reassure 
myself. It was just a dream. I sighed heavily, took myself back to the 
bedroom and got ready to retreat into hibernation.



The End




----- This work is copyright (C) Jeroen Verbeek, 2003, all rights reserved -----